Conversations can be tricky, especially when someone is angry, hurt, or misunderstood. Difficult conversations can be emotionally exhausting. There are a few rules of engagement for conflict resolution that can keep discussions from becoming endless, unresolved arguments:
- Stay on subject
- Don’t fill in the blanks—never assume you know what somebody is feeling or thinking
- Accusations do not equal conversations
- Decide what is more important: being right or the relationship itself
Stay on Subject
Although it may seem obvious, one of the biggest culprits leading to endless, unresolved conflicts is getting off subject. To avoid this pitfall, identify the root issue before engaging in a conversation that has the potential to be argumentative. Once identified, only discuss that issue. Getting off-track means talking about subjects that have nothing to do with resolving the problem and can even create new conflicts. Not staying on subject drains energy and time away from solving the problem.
Don’t Fill in the Blanks
How often do we assume we know what someone else is thinking or why they did something? How often do we find a negative reason for others’ behaviors—especially when we are angry or hurt? Sometimes it’s an attempt to protect ourselves, our actions, or our thoughts. Our assumption may be right, but it can also be very wrong. Filling in the blanks leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguments that don’t need to happen. When in doubt, ask. If you love and/or respect someone, why wouldn’t you give them the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are honorable?
Accusations do not Equal Conversations
A sure way to start an argument is to accuse someone of something. Although the accusation might be true, accusations do not lead to conversations; they almost always lead to arguments. This does not mean ignoring an errant behavior or not confronting someone for their actions. Being held accountable is part of being a healthy, responsible person. The “accusations do not equal conversations” rule exists to encourage a different approach or opening to start a conversation. When your conflict is with someone you love and/or respect, then remember that fact when you approach them. Maybe use the common technique of “I feel” statements rather than “You did/made/are/etc.” Remember to not fill in the blanks, meaning you may not know all the reasons driving someone’s behavior. Maybe they had a bad day, chose their words carelessly, or were being defensive because they misunderstood something you did or said.
Decide What is More Important: Being Right or the Relationship Itself
There are times when the point of contention is not worth the argument or the damage to the relationship that an argument can cause. If the problem is so slight and discussing it is only to prove your point (i.e., be right), then it is worth taking a moment to decide if the conversation needs to be had. There may even be times when the issue is a large one, but the confrontation will irreparably damage the relationship. If it’s a one-time occurrence, does it need to be addressed? For example, if your friend is going through a particularly rough time, they may not be interpreting their world accurately. Their memory of events isn’t correct, but it is their memory. Ask yourself, “Is it important for me to be right or to keep the relationship?” Let your honest answer guide you.
Even though I understand and coach people on these rules, in an emotionally charged moment I can find myself violating one or more of them. Whether it’s human nature or driven by personality type, it can be easy to get lost in wanting to be right more than finding a solution. Before engaging in a potentially difficult discussion, try writing down the rules of engagement for conflict resolution, making sure all parties agree to the rules, and keeping them accessible during the conflict resolution.
Spiritual Imprint 