Confident or Arrogant?

As I enter a new phase of my life, I find my confidence level to be off the charts. My newfound freedom has manifested in the release of old, self-protecting habits that no longer serve me. I don’t need to hide, be complacent, dumb down my joy, quell my energy, deny my enthusiasm, or any other number of containment behaviors. This release has led to a boost of confidence I have not experienced in a very, very long time—if ever. However, it has also resulted in a need to look deeply at my actions in order to understand when does confidence become arrogance?

To discern the differences between confidence and arrogance, I created the following comparison chart. Although not all of these are true all the time, I find these characteristics helpful in determining the fine line distinguishing whether I or someone else is confident or arrogant.

Confident Behaviors	Arrogant Behaviors
Not worried about what others think	Need to be seen (often need to be the center of attention)
Do not need reassurance from others / belief in self	Thrive on assurance from others / have false or unrealistic view of oneself
Don’t need to be right or in charge	Dominant
Not threatened by other points of view / don’t need to be right	Not willing to hear or accept other points of view /believe (or act) as if your way is the only or right way
Positive energy	Negative energy
Okay being alone	Lonely
Fulfilled	Lacking / hollow
Selfless	Selfish
Centered	Not centered / lost
Real / authentic self	Acting / not authentic self
Pulls others in	Pushes others away

Comparison Between Confidence and Arrogance

I’m sure there are other traits and behaviors defining the fine line between confidence and arrogance, but this is a reasonable start to keep my own behavior in check.

Rules of Engagement for Conflict Resolution

Conversations can be tricky, especially when someone is angry, hurt, or misunderstood. Difficult conversations can be emotionally exhausting. There are a few rules of engagement for conflict resolution that can keep discussions from becoming endless, unresolved arguments:

1. Stay on subject
2. Don’t fill in the blanks—never assume you know what somebody is feeling or thinking
3. Accusations do not equal conversations
4. Decide what is more important: being right or the relationship itself

Stay on Subject

Although it may seem obvious, one of the biggest culprits leading to endless, unresolved conflicts is getting off subject. To avoid this pitfall, identify the root issue before engaging in a conversation that has the potential to be argumentative. Once identified, only discuss that issue. Getting off-track means talking about subjects that have nothing to do with resolving the problem and can even create new conflicts. Not staying on subject drains energy and time away from solving the problem.

Don’t Fill in the Blanks

How often do we assume we know what someone else is thinking or why they did something? How often do we find a negative reason for others’ behaviors—especially when we are angry or hurt? Sometimes it’s an attempt to protect ourselves, our actions, or our thoughts. Our assumption may be right, but it can also be very wrong. Filling in the blanks leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguments that don’t need to happen. When in doubt, ask. If you love and/or respect someone, why wouldn’t you give them the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are honorable?

Accusations do not Equal Conversations

A sure way to start an argument is to accuse someone of something. Although the accusation might be true, accusations do not lead to conversations; they almost always lead to arguments. This does not mean ignoring an errant behavior or not confronting someone for their actions. Being held accountable is part of being a healthy, responsible person. The “accusations do not equal conversations” rule exists to encourage a different approach or opening to start a conversation. When your conflict is with someone you love and/or respect, then remember that fact when you approach them. Maybe use the common technique of “I feel” statements rather than “You did/made/are/etc.” Remember to not fill in the blanks, meaning you may not know all the reasons driving someone’s behavior. Maybe they had a bad day, chose their words carelessly, or were being defensive because they misunderstood something you did or said.

Decide What is More Important: Being Right or the Relationship Itself 

There are times when the point of contention is not worth the argument or the damage to the relationship that an argument can cause. If the problem is so slight and discussing it is only to prove your point (i.e., be right), then it is worth taking a moment to decide if the conversation needs to be had. There may even be times when the issue is a large one, but the confrontation will irreparably damage the relationship. If it’s a one-time occurrence, does it need to be addressed? For example, if your friend is going through a particularly rough time, they may not be interpreting their world accurately. Their memory of events isn’t correct, but it is their memory. Ask yourself, “Is it important for me to be right or to keep the relationship?” Let your honest answer guide you.

Even though I understand and coach people on these rules, in an emotionally charged moment I can find myself violating one or more of them. Whether it’s human nature or driven by personality type, it can be easy to get lost in wanting to be right more than finding a solution. Before engaging in a potentially difficult discussion, try writing down the rules of engagement for conflict resolution, making sure all parties agree to the rules, and keeping them accessible during the conflict resolution.

When Alcohol is in Charge

When someone who has the potential to become an alcoholic first starts drinking, he is present and has the majority vote in decision-making. In the beginning, alcohol appears innocent—a release, a relaxation, a comfort, a tiny escape. The alcoholic hasn’t yet recognized the alcohol for what it will become to them—necessary, demanding, isolating, inescapable.

Time passes and the alcoholic justifies his drinking. He still has majority vote over alcohol in making decisions, but alcohol has increased its power. He believes he’s hiding the addiction from friends, family, and coworkers. He has become a functioning alcoholic.

More alcohol is needed more often in order to achieve the same state of numbness. Justifying drinking turns to defending it at just about any cost. Friends are replaced with drinking buddies and the TV, and if he’s lucky, a few close relationships who remember the alcoholic before alcohol and are hoping he’ll see what’s happening and choose to get help.

More time passes, power over choices is shared equally between the alcoholic and alcohol. People avoid him later in the day when his personality shifts after large quantities of alcohol are consumed.

It doesn’t take long before his body physically needs the alcohol. He drinks during work. He may even have to get up in the middle of the night to stop the shaking caused by the lack of alcohol. He cares less about his appearance. Hygiene is questionable. Senses are dulled. He can no longer taste, smell, or even feel. Stopping suddenly would be life-threatening, and alcohol has gained majority power. All choices feed the need for alcohol, but he doesn’t care, if he is even aware. He becomes more defensive and more reclusive. Alcohol is now in charge.

Even if the person is aware it’s happening, he seldom chooses to get help. Perhaps he thinks he can control it on his own, doesn’t believe he has a problem, is embarrassed to admit he needs help, doesn’t know how to get help, or some combination of these. Whatever the reason, the addiction is often so powerful he is willing to pay whatever cost is required—losing family, friends, jobs, possessions—to hold on to it. Seldom do interventions, pleading, or tough love have any effect. Sometimes rock bottom gets his attention, but it is painful to watch and wait. Everyone associated with the alcoholic is affected as alcohol gains power and especially when alcohol is in charge.

I Want to be Like Water

I want to be like water. Water ebbs and flows. It has high times and low, but weathers it all unscathed. I want to be like water, able to dissipate disturbance and return to calmness.

Mindful Mindfulness: Communication

Mindful mindfulness when communicating requires absolute focus on the person speaking. This may seem like an obvious fact, but remaining mindful when communicating can be a tall order.

Mindful Mindfulness: Exercise

As promised in the first post of this series, Mindful Mindfulness, I am sharing insights on specific activities where I’ve practiced mindful mindfulness. In this post, the activity is exercise. Practicing mindfulness during exercise means keeping focus solely on the activity, releasing unrelated thoughts, and becoming acutely aware of body.

Mindful Mindfulness

Mindfulness is total focus in the present moment, zeroed in on a single activity. Being mindful means being conscious and aware without judgment. Mindful mindfulness is being conscious of staying in the state of mindfulness.

Eliminating Clutter

I blamed others for clutter in my home because surely I couldn’t produce such a horrific sight. Then I looked at my office, which is always a disaster, and no one else works in there but me.

Stale Beliefs (Part 3: Addressing)

Stale beliefs cause bad habits, unhappiness, depression, anger, and exposure to negative environments or unsafe people. Energy is wasted to sustain stale beliefs. By identifying and addressing them, you free up time and energy to learn, grow, and evolve.

Stale Beliefs (Part 2: Identifying)

Stale beliefs are outdated, unnecessary, and make it difficult to improve, grow, and evolve. By identifying stale beliefs, you can alter or eliminate them.